Oh boy, I was diagnosed as autistic at 44 (46 adhd) and this is exactly what occurred. I thought I knew enough to not do this and that I could manage and control this change. I didn’t - I did go on an adhd med and for me that helped get over some of the hump from wanting to do something to actually doing it (but not every time and not like magic). I’m not recognizable from who I used to be with how I grinded at work/home. If I’m interested in something I’ll dive in with abandon but if it is something boring I just can’t….and while it kind of bothers me I also can’t find it in me to care as much…my caring and the anxiety of failure kept me lockstep for so many years and now I’m free and it has been such a learning curve - I’m still riding it.
Two plus years on I’m realizing that while I’ve been attempting to prove myself at work I’ve been ignoring if my workplace has been working for me - not as an audhd but as an employee and now that I’m seeing the cracks in the facade of what I believed existed I can’t stop from seeing how through my career (and home life) I’ve contorted myself into fitting into dysfunctional spaces and never have worked somewhere where I feel good about the place of work…I just internalized that I had to work harder…sigh. At home I’ve also been casting off the yoke of being everything to everyone - softening the rough edges - anticipating needs and am finally learning how to tend to myself and allow others to be responsible for themselves…it has been difficult and I still wouldn’t change this because of who I’m becoming.
The biggest thing for me is having the support of community - without having community (online/in person) of neurodivergents I couldn’t have gotten here today. Thank you for this article.
Thank you so much for sharing this. So many of us with ADHD can superficially be seen as “successful.” The internal chaos behind that success is unmeasured. A delayed diagnosis shows how much it has cost each of us to keep contorting into neurotypical environments over decades.
But knowing that whilst we all face unique challenges post-diagnosis, we are definitely not alone in this community.
As someone years past initial diagnosis, I can say the learning is still happening. You find a new system, it works for a while, and then it stops working. That’s the novelty-seeking part of your brain. There are no permanent solutions. But if you keep a curious attitude and a growth mindset you may have the next thing ready. Also don’t dismiss the stupid things that make you happy. I have a paper planner, and it’s brightly colored and themed like my favorite video game series and I adore it. Using it makes me happy, which means I USE IT. I have a fountain pen with a shark fin on it, I keep careful track of it because I love it. I have multiple scissors in every room of my house because that’s the thing we keep losing so we just bought a bunch of them. Maybe “proper adults” don’t have twelve pairs of scissors, but I can open a package without spending ten minutes hunting for scissors. Do what works for you
I can’t stop noticing how disorganized and fragmented my thoughts are. I’m in my head now more than ever, analyzing my perception and reactions to everything.
Self-awareness is so important in ADHD. It allows us to notice our internal signals and manage them before they get out of hand. This is vital for regulating emotions, for example.
However, there is also hyperawareness of every signal. You feel everything. Without a filter. The delayed diagnosis is not the endpoint. It's day one.
Hello and thank you. It has been a little less than two months since my diagnosis. I have managerial responsibilities in two different sectors, and I am no longer able to even go through my emails. I almost entirely avoid them, missing deadlines and conversations, and only catch up after receiving phone calls or other external pressure
For many adults diagnosed later, especially those who’ve built identities around competence, the loss of compensatory overdrive can feel like moral decline rather than neurological recalibration.
I’m curious whether you’ve noticed differences in how this “void” phase shows up across gender or caregiving roles, particularly where the mental load is already asymmetrical?
I’m 17 months after diagnosis but cPTSD kept me running even though I‘d felt burnt out months or even years before diagnosis.
Lately I‘ve come to realise that neither the job nor my private life are giving me anything in return. Of course I‘m paid, but not enough to compensate for me pushing through because I cannot afford accomodations I‘d need at home to focus on my job (I‘m one of the lucky ones who are kinda passionate about their actual work) and not enough for the extra hours I‘m working. My boss instead: You need better time management so that you can make it in the hours given.
Me: The workload as team leader and team member at the same time is too high, I‘d need two of my sort to get things done. Can we please look at how to distribute part of my tasks to another person?
Boss: Nah, let us add a complete workplace to your team. That‘ll be more efficient.
Oh boy, I was diagnosed as autistic at 44 (46 adhd) and this is exactly what occurred. I thought I knew enough to not do this and that I could manage and control this change. I didn’t - I did go on an adhd med and for me that helped get over some of the hump from wanting to do something to actually doing it (but not every time and not like magic). I’m not recognizable from who I used to be with how I grinded at work/home. If I’m interested in something I’ll dive in with abandon but if it is something boring I just can’t….and while it kind of bothers me I also can’t find it in me to care as much…my caring and the anxiety of failure kept me lockstep for so many years and now I’m free and it has been such a learning curve - I’m still riding it.
Two plus years on I’m realizing that while I’ve been attempting to prove myself at work I’ve been ignoring if my workplace has been working for me - not as an audhd but as an employee and now that I’m seeing the cracks in the facade of what I believed existed I can’t stop from seeing how through my career (and home life) I’ve contorted myself into fitting into dysfunctional spaces and never have worked somewhere where I feel good about the place of work…I just internalized that I had to work harder…sigh. At home I’ve also been casting off the yoke of being everything to everyone - softening the rough edges - anticipating needs and am finally learning how to tend to myself and allow others to be responsible for themselves…it has been difficult and I still wouldn’t change this because of who I’m becoming.
The biggest thing for me is having the support of community - without having community (online/in person) of neurodivergents I couldn’t have gotten here today. Thank you for this article.
Thank you so much for sharing this. So many of us with ADHD can superficially be seen as “successful.” The internal chaos behind that success is unmeasured. A delayed diagnosis shows how much it has cost each of us to keep contorting into neurotypical environments over decades.
But knowing that whilst we all face unique challenges post-diagnosis, we are definitely not alone in this community.
As someone years past initial diagnosis, I can say the learning is still happening. You find a new system, it works for a while, and then it stops working. That’s the novelty-seeking part of your brain. There are no permanent solutions. But if you keep a curious attitude and a growth mindset you may have the next thing ready. Also don’t dismiss the stupid things that make you happy. I have a paper planner, and it’s brightly colored and themed like my favorite video game series and I adore it. Using it makes me happy, which means I USE IT. I have a fountain pen with a shark fin on it, I keep careful track of it because I love it. I have multiple scissors in every room of my house because that’s the thing we keep losing so we just bought a bunch of them. Maybe “proper adults” don’t have twelve pairs of scissors, but I can open a package without spending ten minutes hunting for scissors. Do what works for you
I love hearing these stories ! Important point as you said- what got you here, may not get you to where you want to go next.
The word that always comes to me is 'grief' and knowing that did make things worse
I can’t stop noticing how disorganized and fragmented my thoughts are. I’m in my head now more than ever, analyzing my perception and reactions to everything.
Self-awareness is so important in ADHD. It allows us to notice our internal signals and manage them before they get out of hand. This is vital for regulating emotions, for example.
However, there is also hyperawareness of every signal. You feel everything. Without a filter. The delayed diagnosis is not the endpoint. It's day one.
Hello and thank you. It has been a little less than two months since my diagnosis. I have managerial responsibilities in two different sectors, and I am no longer able to even go through my emails. I almost entirely avoid them, missing deadlines and conversations, and only catch up after receiving phone calls or other external pressure
For many adults diagnosed later, especially those who’ve built identities around competence, the loss of compensatory overdrive can feel like moral decline rather than neurological recalibration.
I’m curious whether you’ve noticed differences in how this “void” phase shows up across gender or caregiving roles, particularly where the mental load is already asymmetrical?
I’m 17 months after diagnosis but cPTSD kept me running even though I‘d felt burnt out months or even years before diagnosis.
Lately I‘ve come to realise that neither the job nor my private life are giving me anything in return. Of course I‘m paid, but not enough to compensate for me pushing through because I cannot afford accomodations I‘d need at home to focus on my job (I‘m one of the lucky ones who are kinda passionate about their actual work) and not enough for the extra hours I‘m working. My boss instead: You need better time management so that you can make it in the hours given.
Me: The workload as team leader and team member at the same time is too high, I‘d need two of my sort to get things done. Can we please look at how to distribute part of my tasks to another person?
Boss: Nah, let us add a complete workplace to your team. That‘ll be more efficient.
This finally kicked me off my feet.
Now I‘m more like existing than actually living.